so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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