the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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