Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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