just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
