I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
