she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
