Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
someone owes me an orgasm
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Randomize
