I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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