I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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