you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
