my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
