Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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