I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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