this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
