I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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