I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
why is half of my head shaved?
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