Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just found puke in my bra..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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