my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
a search helicopter?!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
