i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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