Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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