Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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