so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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