so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
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dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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