god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
