The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
