i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
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I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
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I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.