I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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