I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
