his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
