soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
