Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
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Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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