ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
