I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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