and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
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Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
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I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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