While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
