I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
