I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
