come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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