I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
