I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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