Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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