9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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