My room smells like vodka and shame
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He is an equal opportunity slut.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
