Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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