She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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