I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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