the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?