she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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