I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
