one word: firstdatebathroomanal
4 words: hood of his car
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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