Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
