Im at strip club and am horny
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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