I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize