The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I did not marry a roomba.
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