I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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