it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
