Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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