apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
